Your Bi‐Hourly Horseoscope

The HORSE
Your crush will publicly reject you in front of all the popular children and gossip persons.

The CAT
If you eat raw onions, you will be publicly humiliated.

The WEASEL
No ham, no significant other.

The OPOSSUM
To kill or to be killed, that is the question you must answer to yourself today.

The KOALA
If you eat pickles, you will be thrown into a trash can.

The ORANGE
Your hologram will glitch today.

The STALLION
You will have a slight tingling in your throat for 3 and a half hours that isn't able to be resolved until it's over.

The TANGERINE
You will break up with your significant other over a silly argument, such as eggs.

The PARROT
You're going to fail your exams today.

The PEANUT
You will have good sleep for once... only if you release your man juice.

The CRIMINAL
You will experience the true joy of life: beating up small, annoying children.