Your Bi‐Hourly Horseoscope

The HORSE
Voulez-vous ? Si oui, meurtre.

The CAT
You will cry for two hours tonight over rejection from peers.

The WEASEL
You will have to face off with your old self today, deciding once and for all which personality is greater than the other and who shall remain.

The OPOSSUM
If you eat raw onions, you will be publicly humiliated.

The KOALA
Sickness will plague you for the day

The ORANGE
Sickness will plague you for the day

The STALLION
If you didn't cry yourself to sleep last night, then the Catholics are going to burn you at the stake for posessing magic even though you don't.

The TANGERINE
You will have a slight tingling in your throat for 3 and a half hours that isn't able to be resolved until it's over.

The PARROT
Voulez-vous ? Si oui, meurtre.

The PEANUT
You will have good sleep for once... only if you release your man juice.

The CRIMINAL
If you don't adopt adopt a random stray you come across today, then you will have the worst luck for the rest of your life.