Your Bi‐Hourly Horseoscope

The HORSE
You will not find love today.

The CAT
You will have a slight tingling in your throat for 3 and a half hours that isn't able to be resolved until it's over.

The WEASEL
You will not find love today.

The OPOSSUM
You will ask out your best friend and get rejected HARD.

The KOALA
If you eat raw onions, you will be publicly humiliated.

The ORANGE
If you didn't cry yourself to sleep last night, then the Catholics are going to burn you at the stake for posessing magic even though you don't.

The STALLION
You will find a new crush today.

The TANGERINE
You cannot eat raw onions today otherwise your breath will make all men and women extraordinarily repulsed by you.

The PARROT
Adopt a stray or get the news that you're adopted, your choice!

The PEANUT
You will have good sleep for once... only if you release your man juice.

The CRIMINAL
No ham, no significant other.