Your Bi‐Hourly Horseoscope

The HORSE
You will experience the opposite of erectile dysfunction today.

The CAT
Your crush will publicly reject you in front of all the popular children and gossip persons.

The WEASEL
If you don't adopt adopt a random stray you come across today, then you will have the worst luck for the rest of your life.

The OPOSSUM
Drink dispensible male fluid or be an insomniac for the week.

The KOALA
You will experience papercuts in between all of your fingers today, only then will you truly understand PAIN.

The ORANGE
You are the dancing queen

The STALLION
Your hologram will glitch today.

The TANGERINE
You will have to face off with your old self today, deciding once and for all which personality is greater than the other and who shall remain.

The PARROT
Adopt a stray or get the news that you're adopted, your choice!

The PEANUT
You will have good sleep for once... only if you release your man juice.

The CRIMINAL
If you didn't cry yourself to sleep last night, then the Catholics are going to burn you at the stake for posessing magic even though you don't.