Your Bi‐Hourly Horseoscope



horse

The HORSE
Voulez-vous ? Si oui, meurtre.

cat

The CAT
You will cry for two hours tonight over rejection from peers.

weasel

The WEASEL
You will have to face off with your old self today, deciding once and for all which personality is greater than the other and who shall remain.

opossum

The OPOSSUM
If you eat raw onions, you will be publicly humiliated.

koala

The KOALA
Sickness will plague you for the day

orange

The ORANGE
Sickness will plague you for the day

stallion

The STALLION
If you didn't cry yourself to sleep last night, then the Catholics are going to burn you at the stake for posessing magic even though you don't.

tangerine

The TANGERINE
You will have a slight tingling in your throat for 3 and a half hours that isn't able to be resolved until it's over.

parrot

The PARROT
Voulez-vous ? Si oui, meurtre.

peanut

The PEANUT
You will have good sleep for once... only if you release your man juice.

criminal

The CRIMINAL
If you don't adopt adopt a random stray you come across today, then you will have the worst luck for the rest of your life.